Strength, Fear and The Self

Strength is something to be proud of. Those who do not posses this trait long for it. They strive to be as strong as you, thinking this strength is such a gift. But what if in actuality fear was the gift? What if being overwhelmingly afraid of something and thinking you cannot face it and more importantly you cannot face it alone was the true beauty in life?

Being afraid means there is something bigger than you, there is something in front of you that is a hurdle you’ve never crossed, a hurdle you have not yet needed to bear. This hurdle is potential – The potential to reach and overcome. But what if fear meant you could really, really feel? I mean raw, dirty emotion. That for once the overwhelming need and desire to be strong was gone, it disappeared and you could feel. Wouldn’t you then feel fear?

Ironically, that fear is what we are scared of the most. Fear itself is our fear. Fear is what could, and often does crumble so many. Fear is their demise, their downfall. But without fear do we really feel? To feel the fear yet not crumble, to meet the fear and stare it right in the face and say I am not afraid of you, I feel you, I want you and I am not afraid. That is the gift.

So often you look strength in the eye and praise it, but maybe to truly see yourself, and to truly feel, you need to look strength in the eye and say I am not proud of you today. Today I am afraid and today I will wear my fears and be proud. I am not ashamed, but afraid.

This is the Circle of Life

The cries could be heard
from down the hall
this is the sound of new life
the sound of love
the sound of joy.

This tiny girl with no idea of existence
no idea of loss.
She only knows love
she only feels warmth.

She looks up and smiles
with no idea of the hardships to come
the love to be found and the love to be lost
only to be found again.

This is purity
this is innocence
this is beauty

She will live in the moment
she will be happiness
she will be free
she will be a child

She will grow to look at herself in the mirror with hate
because she is becoming a woman
and society dictates her feelings of herself
she will not be tiny
and she will feel less than because of this
this will be her greatest struggle
and this will defeat her
but she will overcome it
just to take a few steps back the next day.

She will find love
and she will love completely
she’ll say I do, to have and to hold
and she will find herself in her mother’s shoes
and they too will hear the cries from down the hall.

This is the sound of new life
again
the circle of life
her baby girl soon to become a woman
she will teach her she is beautiful
like her mother taught her
and pray that it influences her own vision
but it won’t
because society dictates her feelings of herself
and she will feel less than because of it.

She was a woman of integrity
she was a woman who loved completely
she was a woman who never felt good enough
beautiful enough
but she overcame it
just to take a few steps back the next day
and to continue forward the following day
on this cycle of life
this cycle of love
this cycle of growth.

The cries could be heard from down the hall
as she smiled at this life she lived
as she took her last breath.

This is the sound of heartache
the sound of loss
the sound of fear
but it will be overcome
only to take a few steps back the next day
in this circle of life.

A Path Lined to the Inevitable

It overwhelmingly smells like flowers
and maybe for this reason
the scent of flowers never seems so sweet.

My heart is racing
I’ve been here before
and my stomach turns.

This room
with old fashioned carpets
lining the path to the inevitable
filled with welcomes from men in suits
that look of pity
compassion
and routine
and all I can think is…

“how do I escape this”
do I turn around?

No,
because
there is no escape.

I enter the room
knees weak
heart broken

and I see your face
but not in the same way
you’re cold
preserved
and absent
and I go cold
desperate
with an unwillingness
to accept.

Instead
I settle for the embrace
that will come next
from family
friends
loved ones
and strangers
but not you,
all filled with compassion
but I can’t hear them.

I am here but you aren’t
I am here but I’m not

The room shrinks a bit
and the hours begin to blur
this room becomes all too familiar
in this moment
and in the future

We fast forward
a few months later
and this time passed
has not yet
served to heal
yet we reenter the room
the carpeted path
the routine welcomes
now to see her face
cold
preserved
and absent
a woman
who couldn’t face a life
without you.

Your Grip Bringing Us to Now

She sat quietly now.
Lyrics background to her thoughts.

Now –
It once seemed so distant

That day in the park
we ran parallel.
The gentle sound
of water meeting the rocks edge
unrecognizable chatter
of those walking by
and your words
confronted by fear,
mine.

I was translucent
to you
and somehow
you held on,
your grip
bringing us to now.

She Finds Herself

She finds herself
here again
desperate
face down on the cold floor

She is alone now
unclothed
tattered
and sore.

She wonders,
through clouded vision
how she got here.

Skin and bones
neglected and fragile
this same fragility
he feeds on.

She is searching
for the light

clawing
gripping
reaching

But she is too weak
to reach it
before her time
is up.

The Stages of Life

The clock ticks by
and we rarely notice.
It is one of those things
that just happens
with no awareness
to the mind.

It’s just another night
passing the time
and the phone rings.
It’s late
and I answer
anxiously
knowing.

The moment,
those words…
it has happened
and the anticipation
and the potential
can’t compare.

Loss
The overwhelming ache
of missing.

Denial
Sometimes I wait
for you
I expect to see you.
Sometimes I forget
and that’s the worst part.

Anger
I can’t understand
why so many lives
are taken from us.
We don’t deserve
to be stalked
by this dark cloud
steady precipitation.

Depression
Small things
trigger suppressed
memories.

There are
those instances
of realization
your absence
from the big moments
in my life, our lives
yet to come.
The instance
of realization
that this is actually
the worst part.

Acceptance
I have become
more aware of
the clock
it’s ticks.

Real loss is
always
prevalent
yet so is presence.

Isn’t it funny how
we will always tell your jokes
carry on your traditions
and attempt to fill your shoes
even though we claimed to
“dislike” them
when you were here?

Acceptance is not
forgetting
it is not
happiness
it is simply
understanding.

What I want

I want to emerge myself in you
I want to get lost in the gentleness of your touch
I want to breath in your scent
I want to lay here, mindless
I want to embrace you

I want to take photographs that leave others speechless
I want to capture real moments, stopped in a still film
I want to construct words rhythmically, webbing together emotions, purely
I want to be successful, yet happy because of the love in my life, not that success
Yet, I want that success to have been built by what makes me happy.

I want these desires not to be that of a fairytale but
I want to live them, and I want to long for them all at once
I want to always strive for more, and always believe there is more
I want what I have right now and yet,
I want so much more, but I know that as long as I have you
I want nothing else.